You're A What?
by a mountain of gideon's scones
Summary: CRACKFIC with Jeremy Kyle. Hannah and Sirius are having marital problems, which include being called a prostitute, insulting names and various other things. R&R. Sort of for A Sirius Crush On Moony!


**I don't own anything**

**Pure, utterly amazing crack here in this fic in a **_**complete**_** AU**

**With own character Hannah!**

**A Sirius Crush On Moony, I hope you like this!**

Jeremy steps forwards onto the stage and sees the audience waiting before him. Of course, this being the magical world, they have shown off with their talents and transformed the originally uncomfortable seating into chinz armchairs and various other things that make the studio just appear like another living room.

"Hello… wait, am I in the right place?" he begins to give his little spiel at the beginning of the show, like usual, but looks around as he sees people with popcorn and various other foods that he has never allowed.

"Yes, unless you are an impostor," someone calls from the audience and the entire room turns to look at him in shock, narrowing their eyes to determine as to whether or not he could be… after all, they _have_ just had Voldemort around and he liked impersonating people!

"No, I'm Jeremy, I just was wondering _why my audience is eating and drinking_," he snaps at them, angered by their almost claims that he isn't who he says he is. They all look at him, slightly scared by the ferocity of his sentence, at the same time as using their wands to make the food and drink disappear till the break. Once this is done, he nods and smiles, relaxing back to the Jeremy Kyle that the audience knows and loves… normally. "Hello, and welcome to the Jeremy Kyle show. Today, we have a young married couple who are in for a little counselling… on the show first, we have Hannah Black, ladies and gentlemen!" he announces but the audience don't clap, still upset that they can't have their noisy popcorn.

This means that the backup generator of noise has to go into action with a push of a button from Jeremy, the noise making it seem as if the entire audience is clapping and screaming for this girl to come onto the stage.

A girl with purple hair walks out onto the stage, her face only showing a smile – nothing that Jeremy has been led to believe from what Sirius has told the show's researchers. He made her sound like an ogre at some times but that's nowhere near the truth… yet Jeremy gets passed this because, well, they're both married – though Hannah may not be married for that much longer if Sirius and her don't patch things up.

She sits down in the plush red leather chair that has been provided for her at her insistence – she wouldn't sit in a chair that has been to Morganville, but neither would she sit in a material chair. But she crosses her legs and then Jeremy takes the seat next to her, a small smile on his face.

"You okay, sweetheart?" he asks her gently and she nods, running a hand through her hair and then getting caught in a tangle. She then proceeds to ignore Jeremy for a few seconds (in which he is asking her why she is here) in order to sort her hair out, because she needs it perfect to show Sirius that _she_ is better.

"What was that, Jezza?" she asks him, having evidently not watched his breakdown on television in America because someone – it is believed to have been Eve Rosser, but the name doesn't matter – called him that.

"You do _not_ call me Jezza!" he roars, causing her to cover her ears delicately! "I am _not_ Jeremy Clarkson; I don't cheat on my wife with a worker on the show! My nickname… I don't _have_ a nickname so if anyone calls me Jezza or JK or any deviation on Jeremy, I shall walk out of this studio now, do you understand?" he continues, trying to get his breathing back down to a normal level… at least he doesn't need to bother about having a high heart rate.

Hannah nods slowly, not really bothered about the whole outburst because if he had come after her, she would have turned him into a rat faster than he could grab her by the neck. And if he had tried to leave she would have put a memory charm on him so that he forgot that he was trying to leave.

"So, now you've behaved like a child are you ready to give me and my husband some therapy or not?" she asks him, raising an eyebrow to highlight the _extremely_ eyelinered eye she has… of course, that isn't to say she doesn't have _two_ eyes, but just that one is more obvious because it is _obviously_ on the other side of her head.

He blushes slightly before looking at her with a steely expression, deciding to tell her that it is his show. But then, to be quite frank, he can't be _bothered_. It's too much effort to pull rank round here, especially since he had so many vampires doing the same thing in America… why _bother_?

"Right, so why are you here Hannah?" he gets down to business and she sits forwards, keen to relay a lot of information regarding why she has turned up with Sirius Black.

"Well, we got married after a whirlwind romance – you know, the kind that in books and stuff – after I had brought him back to life; don't get into the specifics because you don't wanna know," she begins, deciding that a little setting of the scene would be beneficial in this case. "He's seventeen, the same age as me, and we were ok at first… for a few weeks everything worked out ok… but now, he is _so annoying_! We argue about everything and I just want some help to sort things out," she confesses, her voice quietening slightly at the end.

Jeremy nods slowly, wondering whether or not he should spend anymore time just with this girl or whether he should let the bloodbath between her and Sirius commence now. It is an easy decision: One Tree Hill is on today and he wants to be home soon to watch it. "Right, on the show next we have Sirius who is here to defend himself against Hannah's claim that he is lazy, annoying and not exactly the best husband."

"Wait, I never said that!" Hannah exclaims loudly, sitting upright from her slouched position to look at a now standing Jeremy. "Slander! I will sue you!" she screeches, causing the audience to laugh now at the ridiculousness of this.

"We paraphrased what you said in the research sessions because what you _actually_ said went on for fifteen pages of typed font in size six," Jeremy shoots back, already beginning to regret accepting her onto the show.

Sirius swaggers down the corridor, a rather hot seventeen year old without the spots or anything. But as he comes out with the biggest ego in the entire studio (and Voldemort popped by to say hi to his old chum Sirius), the audience boos him, some people throw illegal and contraband popcorn pots at him.

"Now _that_ is why I don't allow food and drink!" Jeremy yells, about to get pissed off with the mess caused until someone cleans it up with a wave of his wand. "Now, Sirius, come and sit down," he orders and the hot boy comes and sits down next to his wife. He takes her hand and she lets him, wondering when he will let go.

"So, how are you Jeremy?" Sirius asks, being extremely polite in order to make himself seem so much better than Hannah right now.

"I'm good… now, how do you think you and Hannah are getting on?" Jeremy doesn't ask him how he is back because he could be getting the answer in the next few minutes.

"Well… I'm good besides for the fact that Hannah is such an evil cow to me!" he exclaims, already pouting and putting on fake tears.

"Liar!" she yells at him, angered by the fact that he is trying to make her out to be this evil person… cow, to be exact in accordance to his words. "_You_ are the lazy one who insults me!" she continues and he looks at her with a raised eyebrow.

"Yeah? Well, who is the one who insulted me because I have, quote, weird name, unquote?" he shoots back at her and before she can respond, Jeremy steps in.

"Right, you have issues," he tells them bluntly, not bothering to elaborate to tell them that they are the most argumentative newlyweds he has ever seen. "So, Sirius, continue with this thought… Hannah, don't interrupt," he orders them and she folds her arms over her chest, turning away childishly.

"Well… my name is Sirius Orion Black and she basically made it out to be this really weird and unusual name that absolutely sucks," his lower lip quivers as he talks and certain audience members shift awkwardly in their seats as they sympathise with him. one of them is named Jesus Fedora Garbage and she's a girl…

Jeremy raises an eyebrow again and sighs deeply, knowing that this couple's issues are all childish ones because they are so young… but something could be spurring them on to be so mean to each other… "Right, ok, I don't care if you said it or not, Hannah, but to insult someone's name is wrong," Jeremy begins slowly, causing her to turn to him and sigh. "On the other hand, Sirius, it _is_ a pretty unusual name and I doubt that you are that bothered about people commenting on it," he continues and Sirius nods.

"It isn't _my_ fault that my mother was on cocaine when she named me," he mutters and the audience gasps that the old Black woman who is now dead was a crack addict. "Yeah, guys, come on; you didn't know?" he continues, scoffing at the fact that they didn't think her behaviour was more than a _little_ strange… after all, blasting her kid off of the family tree just because he left? If that is normal in their family, then he is worried.

"Right, Hannah, any complaints about Sirius?" Jeremy asks her, deciding that this is the Jeremy Kyle show and he needs to be fair.

She nods eagerly, keen to get her side of the story in so that it stops looking like she is the baddie and just blaming him. "Yeah!" she exclaims exuberantly before stopping. Jeremy looks at her to continue, the audience waiting to see just what is so bad about living with someone as hot as Sirius.

"You may need to actually give the details, Hannah," Jeremy prompts her gently and she nods, whilst the audience snorts. Most of the women – even the married ones – are obsessing over Sirius, and he doesn't seem to mind this attention, turning this way and that to make sure that they all can see his perfection.

"That!" she says loudly, pointing fiercely at Sirius and then the crowd. "He's always showing off and making women fancy him… he's married but he doesn't ever _seem_ to be when we're out," she continues, her voice settling down to a normal level.

"This true, Sirius?" Jeremy asks the man/boy who has ducked his head almost in shame.

"Well… only because she doesn't seem interested in me!" he tries to defend himself but Jeremy isn't having any of it.

"This isn't a two way street mate; if you want to have a go at her for insulting your frankly ridiculous name, then you have to accept responsibility for something _much_ worse!" Jeremy _finally_ manages to find a way to sneak in one of his world famous speech things that makes the entire audience respect him and clap so loudly (some of them amplify their clapping) that nobody can talk for a few minutes.

"So, do you have any _more_ issues with each other?" he asks, his voice slightly tired of this already.

"He insults my hair colour!" Hannah throws in, once again, her voice ridiculously loud as if she is trying to make people on Mars hear her.

"Honey, that's because it is _purple_… only emos or chavs or prostitutes have purple hair!" Sirius yells back, trying to get people on Jupiter to be able to hear his side of the argument.

She huffs and sits back in her chair, folding her arms. "I'm now a prostitute… great; my husband thinks I'm a prostitute… wait, how do _you_ know that prostitutes have purple hair?" she asks suspiciously, realising his faux pas. "OH MY GOD, YOU HAVE BEEN WITH A PROSTITUTE! YOU MINGER!" she shrieks so loudly that the audience halt their snorting at the discussion about Hannah's hair colour to cover their ears. In fact, she shrieks so loudly that they have to entirely halt the show because she has damaged an old woman's hearing, perhaps irreparably!

"No, _I_ haven't but I know someone who has!" he shoots back, grinning evilly. "James, of course," he elaborates, deciding that it wouldn't be good to leave her hanging because he could then be accused of saying that _she_ has been with a purple haired prostitute.

Everyone gasps that James Potter, the revered and well loved Marauder, has been with a prostitute before he married Lily and had Harry… or was it _after_ that? Ooohh, speculation begins to be whispered around the room and Jeremy allows it, Sirius and Hannah staring each other down with evil glints in their eyes.

"Right, something just occurred to me," Jeremy says, deciding that the mutterings about James Potter's sexual preferences need to be nipped in the bud now. "_Why_ are you two together if you seem to hate each other so much?" he asks and they both blush, taking hands once again.

As they smile, they seem happy together and the audience relaxes as the happiness they have spreads throughout the room. "Because when we _aren't_ arguing, we're happy," Hannah explains, suddenly fawning over Sirius who does the same back.

"Yeah, I love her more than I love Quidditch… which is a lot!" Sirius continues, causing the entire room to relax with happiness and just revel in the suddenly obvious love between the pair that causes Jeremy to have sounded a bit thick in asking why they are still together. "After all, Fred told me it was _you_ that had all the problems with me," Sirius continues, causing Hannah to furrow her brow.

"That's strange… since he told me that it was _you_," she responds and the audience crack it at the same time as the now once again happily married couple: Fred Weasley has played them up against one another to get them to split… but _why_?

"I'm gonna _kill_ him!" Sirius yells, standing up but sitting back down again when Hannah's restraining hand brings him back down into his seat.

"No, leave that to me," she hisses angrily, using her wand to bring the redhead from backstage. "Fred Weasley, why on _earth_ would you want to split me and my Siripop up?" Hannah inadvertently uses Sirius' nickname, causing everyone to laugh whilst the loveable Black blushes deeply.

Fred hangs his head in shame before mumbling, "Because I love you and I want you to marry _me_ now," at the same time as he sinks to his knee and pulls out a ring box. He then opens the box to reveal a pretty _awful_ ring, one that looks as if he has made it from regurgitated bits of Haribo…

"Fred, I'm already _married_!" she says, horrified. "That would be bigamy and I don't want to get arrested to marry someone I now _hate_!" she continues, standing up and launching herself at the redhead who is in a vulnerable position. Just as Sirius thinks that she is about to punch him, Hannah lifts her leg and kicks him _right_ where it hurts… which is unlucky for Fred!

"OW!" he shrieks, sounding more like a girl than Hannah did when she was shrieking at Sirius earlier. "What was _that_ for?"

"A) telling us both that we hate one another," she begins, her face contorted a little before Sirius pulls her back, expecting her to be going in for the kill with Fred. "B) because _you asked me to marry you_!" she continues and he shrugs.

"Yeah, nothing wrong with that – just making sure you know that you have a backup!" he protests and the audience yell angrily at him, calling him a homewrecker.

Jeremy, meanwhile, is stunned at the fact that _Fred_, someone who told him so much information in the research stage, has been playing them up against one another. But then he decides to get in control of his own show again because he _really_ seems to lose control too easily… "Right, so Sirius and Hannah; you are ok with each other, sure?" he confirms and they nod.

"I love you, Siripop!" Hannah announces proudly.

"I love you, purple," he says back, pulling her into his arms and laying one on her with so much passion that the security guard actually magics up a screen to go around them to stop the audience seeing anything that they shouldn't – after all, this is a family show!

Fred, meanwhile, is sitting on the floor, groaning, but nobody seems to want to help him. Well, he _did_ try and split two lovers up when they are having a baby in about eight point five months (but nobody knows this but this absolute genius who is relaying all this information… she is related to vampires… but that's a different story _entirely_) and it's a miracle that he hasn't been thrown in prison yet!

"Thank you for watching Jeremy Kyle and I hope that you tune in next time!" Jeremy says to the audience, happy that this stressful day is over. So the audience begin to mill out, conjuring back their popcorn and various other condiments, before heading home and discussing the fact that Sirius is called Siripop and that Fred is a lying toerag who is in love with a married woman (never going to work).

Jeremy heads home and gets the television on, just to cry when he finds what happened to Clay…

And they _all_ live happily ever after. Besides Fred, of course, who gets beaten up by Hannah and Sirius lovers and ends up crawling into a hole in Albania, plotting to be the next evil Voldemort. But that's another story.

**Thoughts?**

**Review, por favor!**

**Vicky xx**


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